In retrospect yes I think he must have had PTSD, especially after I learned what the symptoms were and had it myself, I remember him having some of those symptoms, too. But at the time, the shooting was a total surprise. He had been depressed and drinking more, but he was never violent with us. He was part of the UN peacekeeping forces, and was posted in several places during my childhood. He always seemed really happy when he came home, happy to be with us again, until he came back from Rwanda. He didn't seem like the same person after Rwanda, but he still worked. Kosovo was the last place he served, and after that he had the stress leave.

I guess it's probably normal, but I alternate between hating him and feeling badly for him. Mostly hating him, but I do feel his pain sometimes. I avoid movies about war and don't watch the news, as I always imagine my father in the situation and then I feel awful for hating him.

Thanks so much (to everyone!) for the welcome and understanding. This seems like a really great forum.