Anthony,

Thanks so much for your post. It helped me more than I can put into words. I haven't really talked to any veterans or people in the military since my father's breakdown. It's been a trigger for me, but it's really great to hear your take on things. I see a lot of my father in what you're saying. I totally agree about not trusting anyone who isn't in a uniform. My father and his friends used to talk about that kind of thing... one of his friends was in the Middle East, Israel or Lebanon, and I remember him saying they couldn't even trust a baby in a carriage, because it might be rigged with an explosive, or pick up anything off the street, even a tissue or a pen, because it might be some sort of bomb. And I know Rwanda was really really horrible for my dad in a lot of ways... for one thing, the soldiers were ordered not to intervene with the genocide. That must have caused so many feelings of guilt and helplessness in my father, on top of everything else.

It's amazing how much people want to hang on to the words "peacekeeping forces". Just a short while ago our Prime Minister referred to our country's involvement in Afganistan as a war rather than a "peacekeeping mission", and all hell broke loose in the press. Many people were very opposed to the PM using the word "war". I even overheard discussions about it in coffee shops and at the grocery store. I don't know, maybe being peacekeepers just sounds more "noble" or something... I even use the word peacekeeper to describe my father, because I've found people think of him more favorably when I say that, than if I just say he was a soldier.

And no, no one has ever really tried to explain my father's actions or frame of mind to me, even the psychiatrist and therapists I have seen. The only thing they consistently ask is whether he was abusive to me beforehand (he wasn't, ever), and did I suspect what he was going to do, or was it a total surprise (it was a total surprise). Once I asked a therapist if my father had PTSD too and she said, "Does it really matter? He's dead. Let's concentrate on you." I understand what she means, but at the same time, I would like to get to a point where, even if I can't ever stop hating my father, at least I could I maybe comprehend a bit of what was going in his head. I also get annoyed because often therapists I've seen (and I've seen a few, because I won't stay with one I don't like haha), just basically assume that because my father was in the service, he was bound to be mental, crazy, whatever, and poor me for having to endure him. But the truth is, he was a very gentle person up until the breakdown. He was depressed and drinking after coming back from Kosovo, but even then he wasn't nasty to the family, just withdrawn. Prior to that he had always been a pretty decent father I think. He never once struck me. He didn't yell much, either... he was patient. So to say what he did was a shock to me and everyone else was a major understatement!!! It was totally out of character and I agree with you it must have been the PTSD more than him.

Still I hate him though. I hate him for killing my brother, the only other close blood relative I had. I hate him for trying to end my life too, and all the pain of physical recovery I had to go through because of that. I hate him for killing himself and everyone else in front of me. I don't think I'll ever get that picture out of my mind. It's like, he couldn't handle all the stuff he's seen overseas, so he killed himself and everyone, but in the process gave me a "taste" of what he had seen... and now I have to live with it for the rest of my life. It's funny though, because it spite of all that part of me still feels really sorry for him, too, and misses him. Bleah, I'm all screwed up about it, obviously!!!!

Anyways I am rambling now too but thanks so much for your input. I appreciate it so much!