Sorry about responding so "late." Things really went down hill last year. Drinking every day, being asleep by the time he got home. Or being depressed and sad (magnified by the booze), not getting sleep, getting sick ALOT. And then the late winter drinking in the morning b4 school, becoming increasingly more wiped out and ending up in the hospital in March (overdosed on trazadone, fell down in the ER, one of the scariest experiences of my life). I just hated myself. And he got to "witness" it all. He just tucked all his feelings away (PTSD-related) to survive my struggling... and got really really tired in the process. His spirit is so worn down. Now if I even appear to be anxious, he gets worried. I "told" him at the store tonight that we will start therapy in Jan when he the evening class he is teaching ends... and we will have more money. I also told him that I can't take on his worrying about me bc it grinds me down, and then I feel guilty, then I want to hide, then I want to cut or drink, then I feel suicidal. I explained that I can't have a good day every day. But that doesn't mean that when I am not feeling on level that that means things are doing down the shitters. We held each other in the cheese section for a long time. Knowing how hard it hits him when he knows I am not doing the greatest, but not the worst, I do tell him about how I am feeling so that he knows it from me instead of imagining the worst... but then trying to let it go from there bc I can't be responsible for how he feels (of course I am being logical about this and it still hits me emotionally, but I am practicing drawing that line).

Thanks for listening you all.