Ann,

You may be one of a couple of groups. Maybe you faired well and you finally did just "break". Or like me...

I thought I did fine. I did not know there was an issue. I was always raised and told I was strong at the same time a "bitch" who did not take any shit. I had back bone that was "wrong" to have in my younger years to have my mother turn to look up to me as an adult I seemed to be able to deal with anything and again I most certainly was nobody's walking mat. I did not know what apathy was growing up but now I know and see it. It has been there.

When I went down, I kept it in. I did not open to docs except for bare essential treatment to symptoms. So I had depression, mild mania (mind would not calm at night or keep thoughts out), insomnia, alcoholisim... built up to panic disorder and many years of agoraphobia. Finally that last doc after 10 mg xanax and 30 mg buspar did not control said something is up. Went to one shrink and with little talk and not telling me what he thought he gave me a round of meds. It calmed the panic, and when I showed my normal doc he said this is for bi-polar. I am not. So he took treatment over again until it was beyond his control with dope. Then a new shrink he sent me to, female this time.

PTSD came down as she pulled my life inside out. I found a different doc and he said the same. I just did not see it or believe it. It started out small, but was allowed to fester for years and add more to it until I had the ultimate breakdown.

As go through my time line I see ups and downs. My ups never got as high as the one before over the years and the downs got worse. My ups got to the point of I could check the mail and feed kids and animals. I saw a pattern in relationships as I thougt was bad luck and poor me. No, my perspective was just way out of whack.

I think my bro got the ball rolling, an ex that abused me and almost killed me was the major catalyst, what followed was self destructive and me being easy prey and not knowing I was abused when it happened I was so emotionally screwed up I did not know what was right or love.

Once you get this diagnosis and you think you were fine for so long until you just snap... Like me. Now I can look back and see the patterns over years...