Well a few of you knew I took the last step off of xanax. The makers of xanax reccomend not cutting more than .5 mg a cut. My last step off was 1 mg. I am still proud coming down from 10 mg to this 1mg a day. But man I fell on my face when I went to zero. Anthony refered to it as a hiccup LOL. Made me feel better. I had to bump it back up to .5 hubs isn't home so he cannot shove the .75 down my throat which is where he personally thinks I need to be until I see a new doc. Honestly I do not have a clue. Doc wants me on no less than 1.5 mg and stay. Me I want off. Hubs wants me on .75. And Anthony wants me to find a number and not waffle!

I started getting where I had to meditate for hours on end to try and control the panic consuming me and all the panic attack symptoms shooting off the charts. But not a monk and I cannot live in that state. My meditating would be interrupted by my body reacting jerking like I was being shocked. It only last a few seconds and did not hurt, just worried me. After several times of that I got up thinking the hell with this as it jacks up meditating but soon as I got up the panic symptoms spiraled out of control along with my mentality (usually I can control them with confronting but lord only knows why that thought process flew out the window and could not use it). It looks like one of the withdrawl symptoms of seizure was trying to peek in. Not something I am dying to play with. That is just scary as most unknowns are.

But when I did take the small dose of meds it got me calmed enough to think of what I am dealing with and why I am reacting like I do. So venting it out. This is more for me so I can look it back over.

A. My teen girl is so happy where she is, for now anyway. But I am trying to come to terms she may stay with her dad and accept it. Very hard for me to do considering the asshole denied her but most of all that is my baby girl. And her comments that I swear if she was in arms reach I would have smacked her.

B. I accidently triggered myself. My ex I get along with took me to his house as I was getting bad dizzy spells and feeling faint, depth perseption shot... he was afraid I would wipe out and being home alone and no one know if I bumped my head. When he took me home for feeding animals He took back roads as I don't do well on hiways. The dirt roads were white and very secluded. Nothing but trees and unpopulated. It was like being on that trip in the woods with the ex who was going to kill me. Second trip on the way there the second night to take me home and drop me off same thing. So memories are a bitch to get out of my head. I am seeing it is the time of year of that BS. I did not really snap to it until now.

C. I am scared of moving. Simply put. But hubs is heading out this AM back home he has found us a nice home. They have no problem with my pets and no pet deposit. It is property of the church in a small town. Used to be the pastor's home until he bought one. He put down a deposit and signed a lease and they said it still needs to go in front of the church elders (formality I guess). They asked why he was moving and he kept it pretty simple. Get close to family and a good support system as his wife had a nervous break down... OK call it whatever LOL. But he said they were very sympathetic to our situation and well we have enough in the bank to pay several months rent in advance so that cannot hurt! He did tell them the part of the lease of proper notice before showing up was needed to be strictly enforced, saying I don't do well with surprises like people showing up. So looks like Hubs and kids get to start going to church since they were invited! Told hubs I am not going. No way am I getting trapped in a room full of strangers! They offered to be of any help that could be, so that was nice. He said they seemed to be genuinly nice understanding people. They must have been as it was the most expensive home on hubs list to go through.

D. So much packing and a few animals I still need to place.

E. More doctors. I mean who wants to go to a new doc and rehash this, and how many will I go through to find the right one?

F. MIL will likely be helping unpack I know and setting up the home. I am a bit private and do not like the idea. But trying like hell to get it will be help and accept it.

G. My younger son is staying with his dad. But he does have a great support system and between my in laws and ex they will ensure he flies out often.

H. Once I get out there and majority of my triggers removed will I function?

I. Losing my best bud from my older teen years.

J. Trying not to feel like a failure that I am having to move to remove every possible trigger to get on an even ground. But a good support system and close to a church who seems genuine may do me well. Long as I still do not listen and watch news.

K. I really really hate losing my farm.

So if you do not see me much I will be packing and trying to get my mind wrapped around all this. I know most of it is for the best but it is hard. Go figure.

I hope all of y'all are doing well!