Yes, but a rough night, no denying it. I don't know why I had such a drive to do that to myself and face it.

Today (yesterday) I had to prove I could pick up kids from school, hubs in passenger side. He wanted cokes so I stopped. Windows down and a leaf fell and landed on my arm. Yes, I lost it in the parking lot and hubs had to drive. He pointed out "you have a problem, a leaf fell on you and you could not drive." Thanks... I did not feel like a total ass just partial until it was simplified like that.

More shit coming to surface. Way too much at once and rereading my book trying to get a grip. I failed and hubs went in to the extra .25 mg of xanax to try and calm the "I am going to die" thoughts I could not control. Hubs wanted me to hit .75 a day and saying pushing too hard.

That was not working and hubs saying I have been up way too long. He is right on that one. I said to hell with it and he was more than happy to get me a couple drinks. It has ironically made me stop feeling so high and feel more normal.

Yes, big yes, I know not good. I have to say though I was hitting my wall. I still cannot sleep but finally calmed. I am so pissed at myself and really revenge driven now I feel better and more clear headed. But I have been down this road so what makes it come back? Hubs is trying to figure out why I am so wired wrong that a depressent makes me not feel messed up but the other way around.

I know what to look out for, my exact actions I did is what to watch for. But dammit trying to get it though my head I am not dying when logically I know it is not going to happen and why I feel like that, but emotions just do not want to go hand in hand. So damn frustrating!

I HATE THOSE MOTHER FU*KERS!!!! Sorry, had to say it. Again rough night (cough morning)