Using sisters ID to buy liquor at 17 yrs.

Engaging in fantasies of creating shooting scene during high school pep rally, at about 17 yrs.

Having been made aware of friend’s sexual behavior, one to many times, casually making mention of her behavior to a man we had partied with. As much as stating that she might be willing, but that her sister and I were not. (19/20 yrs.)

Driving drunk while behind the wheel of a car. Before 21 yrs. reg. and while on some binges, throughout 20’s.

Packing a butcher’s knife in carry-along bag and bringing it to AA meeting, fantasizing about using it on some real big, tremendous as’hole. (25 yrs.)

Fantasized with a butcher knife to my throat on repeated occurances. (2nd half of 20’s).

Once, putting on a topless show for 1 or 2 young men, involving carefully running a butcher knife around neck, down and around chest…..medicated at this time on benzodiazepines that were not helpful for me. (28 yrs.)

.....this is some crazy shit. It all makes me feel awful. How could I have minimized how very ill I was? I suppose it wouldn't have mattered as I sought help as far back as I can remember, simply didn't qualify ins. wise, and/or was denied proper diagnosis and/or services. The help I did find, always seem to come with a heavy duty price-tag. Whatever...dislike this shit,...it all makes me sick.