I went with the .75 through out the day. .25 3x a day. But it did not stop the shrink from having a hissy and demanding no less than 1 mg day. Hubs is siding with her. They want it higher than that really, she prefers I be at 1.5 minimum. So a lot of pressure to up the dose. I am fighting with hubs about it. I am managing much better now at the.75 and PMS closing. Hubs is not happy but he is happy he won a little. It is just so hard to fight addiction my shrink acknowledges when they are trying to force it down my throat and telling me I don't have to be miserable and hurting. Just does not add up to me. It is hard to keep strength during this. But Again I told hubs I will stick with the .75 daily until I move and find a new doc. I am going to do a better job and screen my own shrink this time. No hubs pushing me into one.

I am actually having a beer right now to unwind from today and last night since all are asleep. I am still stressed over my shrink and her being aggressive. But my biggest issue is PMS and cramps at the moment. Hormones and stress are just not getting along. I had no clue I went and did that trigger during PMS. Big mistake as that usually causes attacks alone. I now know as menses is trying to happen but not really happening. Like you want to know that, but women I think have a unique issue in having to time it to add stress.

I get so upset and paranoid about having a drink because I went down such a hard road for years drinking 12-24 beers a day or a bottle of crown reserve. How I stayed as skinny as I did is beyond me. So it is scary and can actually induce stress for me when I feel it calm me and make my head stop swimming. I am so scared to fall back in that trap.

I know now I can put it down at any point as I did with pregnancies and nursing, but still scary as I rely on something than skills I learned. Now a joint. I remember what that was like after a rape it was used by a friend to calm me. She was the "out cry witness". I told hubs I am against drugs but at this point I don't know if I would have an issue sneaking a plant now. He told me I would need an acre LOL. I am very afraid of anything illegal. And while I know California has legalized it for medicinal use I doubt a conservative state like Kansas ever would. But they have prime farm land and not many people. But it is still against fedreal law which overrides state law.

Hubs and I had a long talk over alcohol. He is a recovered alcoholic. He had lost his license, drunk driving accidents, wake up clueless how he ended up in the hospital or jail. He had a major alcohol problem. Been about 12 or 13 years sober. He is as anti-alcohol as they come. He went through a lot of pain watching me like that. When we talked I asked him what he really thought was the lesser of the two evils. Him seeing withdrawals off xanax he knew alcohol was way less an issue as I have shown I can put it down as fast as I can pick it up. And I am not sick for days and days.

He is encouraging a couple drinks if I am refusing meds. So I am doing that. Not binging, just get my head to slow down. Muscles still hurt and such, still stressed but only taking edge off. Not drowning my pain like I once did. I just get nervous about it being a slippery slope, as I think I well should be. But maybe the paranoia will keep me in line with it as I do know where too far is.

Just hard to get my mind around it. As like I said hubs and doc pushing dope and he is trying to back doc saying I don't need to be in pain. I told him I expect it and if I am doped up numbing the effects of facing and dealing with trauma with anxiety meds is not going to help me learn to deal with it head on... I cannot apply anything I learn. He said he could not argue with that.

Sorry to ramble, I am stressed over a beer. I opened a couple and took a drink and in turn poured them down the drain. Yeah, I have an issue with drinking. Will try to lighten up and not be so stuffy and just watch my step. I am sure hubs will be the first to point it out though!