I'm still trying to figure how or when I will proceed ,,,, not shore if I want a diary ,, My head isn't on fire any more ,, It got kind of quiet upstiars for a while ,,, really don't want to rock the boat ,,
I used to share my story ,, time an time again , in jails , instatusions , schools , and AA ,, got a lot of feed back , mostly good ,, but after 9+1/2 yrs of that , I finally had a major meltdown,, which was a good thing , I just didn,t realise it at the time ,, I was phyisically sick from the AIDS meds trying to work Carpentry and just lost it in a meeting ,, when I finally recovered from that meltdown ,,, by my self , no meds , could barely eat , cryed for a longgggggg time , and slept for allmost 2 weeks , yes I would wake try to eat ,but my guts were so screwed up , It was hard to hold any thig down ,, rice oatmeal camameal tea ,, and I would go back to seee crying or just lost ,,, so 2 weeks later I woke and felt better at last and I didn,t hate myself ,was kind of OK with some of the world , I morned all the dead people in my life and I forgave me ,,
only in the last few months has this shit come back ,,, and since it has bin pointed out to me and I visited this site ,, has it got quiet again ,, so I kind of want to ride the calm water and enjoy what I can ,,,
I would be stupid to go back to carpentry ,, were I am so busted up from , what , a lot of car whrecks , the Army , Jumping out or of way to many things , still seek that adrenalin rush ,, so what can I do with my life ,, just don,t Know ,,, still lost in space,, :dont-know but still want to be useful I have a bad back , neck , knees and shoulder a blind eye and hate school you no that ADDD thing always got my eyes out the window , just want to go play in the woods at 52yrs old ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,:fight: with myself on where to go now ,,,,,:smoking: :dont-know well I said a hell of a lot more than I was gonna enuff already, ,,,,, I need a good meeting ,, {AA} a good woman, ah hell just somthin!!!!!!!!!