For years I told my story. I used to say that if it saved one baby.... well then my life and the story that goes with it are not too small of a price. People looked at me like I was so brave, a hero, a martyr for the cause.
But it did not save me. The more I told my story the more numb I got. In the end that is all it was to me, a story. No different then a Lifetime movie of the week (ok, that's not quite true, I can't watch Lifetime).
The real me was hidden. Curled up inside a wound so deep, so black, so infected that I hoped it would kill me and the idea of complete madness was something to look forward to.
It is only recently that I have begun to feel again. Not sure if I like it or not but I do think it is not a bad thing. Just really scary. Hard to look at all of it. To take stock and then find the energy to make changes. But I force myself.
Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with the pressure of it. Other times I wonder why no one can see the huge purple knot on my forhead caused by the brick wall we all seem to share (you would think with that much use it would evetually come down). I have no idea how much a human being is designed to take without coming completely apart but I think I have about reached capacity.
People around me often hear me say "I want to move to the middle of nowhere and not talk to anyone" I hate the city (I live in Seattle). I hate the noise, the confusion, hearing my neighbors scream at each other and at their kids, even the smell drives me crazy. Grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard.
Really I just want peace (or at least a good set of earplugs). I am so tired. But I have realized that the only way I am going to get the peace I crave is to make it myself. I don't want to be completely alone (even if i sometimes feel like I do). It hurts.
But sometimes there are surprises. Sometimes you look up, expecting to find loathing and instead you find a pair of eyes filled with understanding. Sometimes you reach out into the unknown and across many miles and you find that in the worst and the best of times there are hands to hold, even if they aren't in the same room, city, state or even country. And it saves you.