When it first happened, I was so afraid and did not tell anybody about it and did not talk to anyone. I was scared they would think I was rubbing it in their face, or would think I was trying to make them feel bad for me. I did not talk about anything for a year.

I would talk to my best friend, and he knew I was really depressed about something. He also would have to wake me up during nighttime when I stayed over because of the nightmares. I could not stop having them. Since the accident,I have not slept one night without a nightmare. Finally I had the
strength to tell him. It was so, so hard for me to talk about it and I hoped that he would respect that. He didnt. He started avoiding me, hanging out with other friends. He wouldnt let me hang out, and he would just find excuses for not talking to me.

He made me feel like a freak and I still do feel like one. Finally I lost all control just from exhaustion out of everything. I called him out on it. I told him he was being unfair. I yelled at him. I called and called nonstop until he answered. I forced him to explain, and begged to stay friends. I was so vulnerable after telling him and he just threw it back in my face. The thing is I still want to be friends with him. We dont speak, and I have not seen him since. I felt abandoned. I go to alternative school just to get away from him because I am so hurt from it. I know I should hate him, but he was my only good friend after what happened, and it was in my opinion a good friendship. I feel like just because of my girlfriend dying I have to lose my best friend
too? It is just not fair. I can say that all I want, but it will never change anything. And on top of this nothing has ever gone away.

I feel because my head was damaged in the accident, I will always have nightmares, and always lose my ability to be happy. I feel I will never be able to get over it as long as I live. Almost two years later all I think about nonstop is the accident or how hurt I was by my friend. I have no life. I sit in my room in the dark, at the computer when I am not at school. I feel as if my life is screwed and there is nothing I can do to change it. Maybe I am complaining and sureI have gotten the lecture on how to think positive and if I say I cant then I cant. But I do try to be happy. I will watch movies,
read. I do well in school. I used to be so normal, and now I feel anything but normal.

And then there is my girlfriend. I dont think I will ever be able to be with anyone else without the guilt of feeling like I am hurting her. I love her so much, and in one second in front of my face she is gone. She bled to death in my arms! I wish it was me instead just to save her. I would have done anything for her, but I never got the oppurtunity to.

I try so hard to not feel sorry for myself. I never talk to anyone about it. It hurts so much and its so dark I just cant deal with it. I feel too young to be going through this. I just want a friend or someone to talk to I dont care who it is just anybody. I do not know how to live anymore. What is going to happen to me when I get older? Am I going to be alone all of my life? Sometimes I grab my pillow at night and pretend I am hugging her. Usually, I cry myself to sleep which is immediately followed by a nightmare. I dont...I can't live a life like this. My Mom doesnt know what to do with me. She is nice but I just am too shy.

Before my dad killed himself, he used to beat
me because of the accident. He blamed me and thought I should be ashamed. It wasnt my fault, there was no intoxication involved, I wasnt driving so why should I be beaten because of this? He wastoo strong for me to fight back. I didnt know life could be this horrifying. I want so bad to just be a normal kid again but its a broken dream. How can one possibly recover from this? I have meds, but they do me no good. I want to move far far away to somewhere warm and sunny. Just live a nice quiet rest of my life in peace without having to suffer. I want a social life, but I cant I am scared I will freak people out and have a deathly fear that I will be rejected again. I want to try to have a peaceful life. I am all alone in this. I'm pretty shaken up right now so I am going to stop for now.