Hey Anon,
I'm glad you're here and expressing your feelings. First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. You've had enough tragedy for a life time. I'm going to point out a few things from today's post.
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He made me feel like a freak and I still do feel like one.
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I believe you are going through what many of us have. PTSD has a way of showing who our real friends and family are. That doesn't mean that after a period of time, they won't return and give some well needed support. Some people are just very uncomfortable with any kind of intense emotion. We've all felt like freaks at one point. Just remember that what you are going through is completely normal and for anyone that has not gone through it themselves have no idea. Please, do not call yourself a freak anymore. Because you are not. You're hurting, that doesn't make you a freak.
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I will always have nightmares, and always lose my ability to be happy.
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Always is a pretty definitive answer. You might feel as if this will go one forever, but it doesn't. After you heal, you will not have nightmares anymore. As you deal with your trauma and start to heal, you'll notice that your nightmares start to recede and gradually go away. Now, the non ability to be happy is a depression issue. Depression is also a huge component of PTSD, and something that I also suffer from. Depression warps the way you think. You have to try hard to change those ways. Stop putting yourself down, and stop telling yourself that this suffering will never end. It will, you just gotta heal first.
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I dont think I will ever be able to be with anyone else without the guilt of feeling like I am hurting her.
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You don't ever have to stop loving her. But you do have to start living. Considering that she could have been your first love, this will take some time. Anon, instead of thinking that you wished you could have done something for her, remember that you were there to hold her. She did not die alone because you were there. That truly is a gift that you gave to her.
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Before my dad killed himself, he used to beat
me because of the accident. He blamed me and thought I should be ashamed.
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OK, wow. This also needs to be addressed. This only compounds the trauma. What your dad was doing is called secondary wounding. He's basically keeping the wound open and not letting it heal, making a bigger scar. You know that you are not at fault. You said this. Believe it. You are not at fault.
So, if I have this straight, when you were sixteen you were in a bad car accident in which your girlfriend was killed. Your father then beat you because of the accident. Did your father beat you ever before the accident? And when did your father commit suicide? That is one horrible year.....
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I want to move far far away to somewhere warm and sunny.
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This sounds wonderful, but your feelings will follow you there. You can't run from this. All the nightmares, all of the emotional breakdowns, and guilt are signs that you must start to deal with this trauma. It won't go away.
This is huge step for you to come to this forum to tell us about your pain. But I want you to go further. Gather up your courage to live life again. Find a therapist or counselor. See a psychiatrist if you are thinking of med changes. And finally, even though there is no one right there to comfort you, we are here. You do not have to go about this alone, but it does take courage to go forward with healing.