Dear Hannah--

I hope you realize what you said--
He can't communicate.
such a strange face full of hatred and yet he says he could never ever hate me.....vocals and behaviour just do nottttttt match

Think about it for a second. He's got all this stuff going round in his head, yet though we try to be mindful of the trauma he's been thru, what we expect is him to act somewhat "normal." That's simply not possible.
I say this because I'm guilty of this myself.

I feel sorry about my reaction to his behaviour but it is human nature to defend one's self and the lioness in me arose to protect my children..... against their father ... mad isnt

Don't feel sorry-- you ARE defending your children, & rightfully so.

I'm sure his sister feels I am telling lies as she sees the normal gentle quiet side of him. SO she doesnt think he needs the help i do...oh my god how wrong people can get things if thy dont understand ironic I suppose thats us spouses as well.....

I would ignore the sister, etc (Unless it gets to the point where you have to have it out w/her. Unpleasant asit it, it may come to that point, but I hope not.) As you say, they just don't understand-- they can't.

I look forward to hearing from you!