I got on tonight to try and relax and calm myself down. I then made one error and read anothers persons story that was so close to my life. If smart I would have stopped reading when flashbacks hit the first time. I am not sure if flashbacks is the right term, I just started to visualize the abuse.
Its amazing for me to think that 19 years have gone by since those days of abuse, but at times those moments still haunt me.
I am also at this moment angry, I just talked with a family member tonight that said I need to forgive this man, I am not sure that will ever happen, all I ever feel like doing is putting him out of his misery.
As I look at my life it is amzing to think that some of the awful things he did to me back then still hurt me today. I have internal scars in me now that will never go away, and at times still cause me problems.
I realized today that over the years I found new ways to self medicate myself. I joined the military, full of action. I have been sky diving, bull riding, and bronc riding. i eventually joined the fire company, and did this till that one day, with the bus accident, all of those kids hurt. It killed me that some of them I was not able to help.
Well gonna stop for now, just getting more stirred up anxiously...
SP
:dontknow: