Anthony's Reply:

Based on your mental imagery found in this limited Road Interview, a recent problem of feeling hurt and powerless may have occurred and seem overwhelming and insurmountable. Present feelings are reinforced by hurt from the past, primarily confusion and sadness.

Confusion persists in a personal relationship of loving someone and wondering if you will be hurt as you have been before. Feeling unappreciated, innocent and naïve, and not in control, may produce fear of a sense of loss or impending loss of self or part of self.

The confusion widens as you value relationships to the highest degree possible and may wonder why you do not feel loved and supported by those important in your life, both past and present.

Becs Next Obstacle:

It's a log. It's very long going a few feet past each side of my little road. It's hollow with one large (stump hole, you know an empty branch thingy that sticks up?) bump thingy in the middle of it. It's sticking straight up at the sky and I can see the shadows inside the log where the sun doesn't touch. I can easily step over it or sit on it. It's all covered in a soft green moss and has funny red mushrooms growing out of it.

Anthonys Reply:

You feel a victim of life in some way. This does not necessarily imply abuse, but the conditions necessary for us to grow big and strong were not always there. If love does not exist between us and our parents, we may feel we have fallen from their love. You feel as though your life should be healthy, vigorous and growing, yet you are aware of past issues, possibly as a child, where something inside you has died. You have current excitement about an event, possibly soon, though you have secrets within, which are influencing your present pain.

Bec, why is your log hollow? What can you tell me about the emotional image you are presenting?

Becs Reply:

Hmm I have no idea why the log is hollow.

Okay the emotional image (with the log): Well this is my partner. My secrets are my fears. (I have a ton of those) I'm fearful that I'm making a mistake, that he will turn out abusive at some point or just using us, I'm afraid of his love to be truthful. It's ... pure. Something I have never experienced. It scares the hell outta me. My reaction to him scares me. I'm terrified of him coming home and terrified of him not. (nice confusion going on here eh?) I'm not sure if I'm capable of truly loving anyone. That is the part of me that died from my parents. My love. It's there, but as soon as it's supposed to come out. *poof* I start having problems. I'm scared I'm going to sabatoge this relationship because it terrifies me. I have to watch myself. Yes, I should be healthy, loving, vivacious.. and instead my parents gifted me with terror of being loved. How freaking nice is that.. It angers me (yes hurt, betrayal and frustration.)

I am like this in all relationships, but normally I would date abusive monsters. My partner isn't like that. He's different. I know it. He is supposed to get day parole (to a halfway house) and be able to come home in June. It' almsot the same year.. hence that excitement.

Becs Following Reply:

I was just mulling over this diary, and this brought tears to my eyes.. so it must be important... I don't understand how he can love me. My own parents couldn't even love me. His loving me actually hurts me. It just causes me more confusion as I can understand not being loved, but not being loved. I wonder what he could possible see that he finds so enduring. I'm a loon and I know it. I'm completely different from others around me and i'm a mess. I've always struggled with this...

Bec

I've been constantly sniffing back tears since we started this imagry.. you must be hitting something, as crying is very rare for me...