Okay, so i decided to go to church with my mother and step dad yesterday and i didnt wake up very good to begin with. I am going to be asking my psych nurse if it had to do with the zoloft or not. I woke up yesterday and i remember looking at the clock but would then close my eyes. I did that about 5 times or so, the whole time though i was having dreams. I got up and got ready and when to church and started feeling myself get very tense. The brightness in the church and the noise and all of the people kind of got to me. I kept on asking myself, am i still dreaming. I also felt very alone. Even though there were hundreds of people around i felt alone. I felt like that throughout the day but got better after awhile and felt normal again.

My fears have changed from thinking i was going to die to now i think am i going to go into this dream state and never wake up.

I know my issues are not as difficult as most people with ptsd because i have only had one major trama in my life that broke my apart. And i know i will be able to feel normal again because i felt okay before. But that fear of not getting better is still inside of me. And i think maybe i need to limit where i go for a while. Only go to the places that i am familiar with. That might help me.

For some reason i am having a problem being around my family right now. And with the holidays coming up i hope i will be okay. For example, two weeks ago was my moms birthday and we went out to eat, my sister came with us with my two nieces. My sister has suprested my dads death with drugs for many years and i am to the point in our relationship where i have tried everything to help but there is nothing else i can do. And several months ago i got into a huge fight with here and kind of went a little nuts in front of my 11 year old niece. So anyway back to dinner. As we were driving to dinner i started to cry and was scared i was not going to have a good time. I do not know if it had anything to do with my sister or not.

Yesterday when i went to church my niece went too. And I feel since me and her mom got in that fight we have not been as close. So I think that had a lot to do with it. Maybe i feel like like an outsider to my family. I do not know that is what counseling is for right?