When I think about it, I feel filthy but I know it's residue from then. That is not me now. I am not defined by that anymore. When I have a flashback of it, I feel filthy in that moment. Yes, I recognize this is from the rapes and outside factors. It's just very hard to remember that when retelling this or flashbacking it. How to describe it? My past soul still has filth on it. Yeah I can see how this would feed my PTSD.

Its very painful but I do feel better this morning for telling it. This was a big secret for me, something I hung over my head and didn't even realize. I internalized my mother's "blaming" and beat myself up with it. Reading it in black and white... I was still a child that trusted in someone I was supposed to trust. That was broken and abused. I can see that reading that. Doesn't make it any less painful but maybe I can quit hurting myself with it.

Bec