Letter: Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning you and your family unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO

Re: Mr Bill Fenton ­ Complaints

15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.
6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution ­ WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Septembber 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!