Backtracking is hard Anthony! First I imagined myself only about twenty feet from the gate. It doesn't make any sense, but the first thing I thought of was a rock. There was many other thoughts right after that, but that is the first one. It is a gray rock, smooth. It's jutting into the road from the left side. It's only maybe a foot high. I don't see how I could see this as an obstacle. It should be considered a skipping stone. It would have made a great seat to rest on. It wasn't obstructing my path. I could see myself go around it, still staying on my path.

What was strange was the thoughts right after I dismissed the rock as being the answer. I tried to recreate the situation in my mind. Instead of looking toward the gate, this time I was at the gate and turned around. The rock still there but not my focus I tried to see what was my obstacle. I can see the white house on the hill, so I knew that it was too far. So I looked between there and where I stood. I saw nothing. But I felt fear. Like being trapped. I was then put in the exact spot on the path where this fear took place. I looked back, too afraid to go back. I looked forward and afraid. I felt like I had to stay right where I was. It was like a panic attack with a little bit of paranoia thrown in. The feeling that I was being watched. I'm doubting myself the whole time I was thinking this since I couldn't actually touch my obstacle so tried to think of a new one. I thought of myself in a cage. It was a wooden one. No bottom though. I was still on my path. It was maybe four feet tall, so I had to squat. The wood of the cage was like a mesh, they were not just vertical like bars in jail. Pretty much the same feeling as before, trapped, afraid, paranoid, etc. but now from a wooden cage. I'm not sure if this was valid mental imagery since it came after I dismissed the rock. I also note that this imagery took quite a bit more effort than the original one. Backtracking was difficult.

Let's see if I can explain how I feel about my imagery....I don't know anything about the rock. I don't know why that came up. I was talking with hubs the other night and I asked him what was his obstacle and he said a rock, but his was a huge menacing boulder. This was no boulder. My two year old could have jumped over it.

The fear and trapped feeling as being the obstacle...well, that could be. Maybe the obstacle is myself and the way I think? I'm not sure.

The cage could represent several things for me. First of all, I have said many times that I feel trapped in this slow moving ptsd journey. That I will probably never remember all the memories buried and that I will have short snipits of memory coming through for the rest of my life. Another could be because I felt powerless while in the orphanage and during the first year or so after being adopted. I was the middle child not quite good enough student like my older sister and definitely not the favorite like the younger brother.

Another reason is my recent pregnancy. This will be the first child born after the PTSD diagnosis. I'm already dreading the hospital which is a major trigger for me. I'm afraid that the pain of labor itself will be a trigger for me. I feel powerless to make my own decisions in this hospital and being a VBAC, I have limited possibilities as to what I would prefer to happen at the birth. I've considered having a baby at home with a midwife but it is technically illegal for the midwife to be paid for the services. She can be there, but only as a support. Besides, I'm having trouble even finding one since you have to go "underground" to find one. So, even though I'm very early in this pregnancy, I already feel the clock ticking as to what I can find and what my options are for the birth.

Well, I hope that explains some.