There was not one answer that came right out. I had to really think about this. I read your response over and over and I realize now that I have a conflict from how I feel to what is actually happening. I think the person could be my hubs, Ben. I think that maybe I feel like I'm being controlled by him, but he's not a controlling person. It's by happen chance. He makes almost 100% of income. He takes jobs as he pleases. I have to ask even for little expenses, less than twenty dollars, if I can buy and which card to put it on. It severely limits me on what I think I should be allowed to spend.

In the past, a year ago, he moved me and the family to LA against my will. I really didn't want to go, but he insisted that life would be better for all of us. He now realizes he was pretty much only thinking of himself and his motives without taking in account the sacrifices the rest of the family had to make for his preferences. That was the past and it's not happening now, so I don't understand how it's come up now.

He is in the process of looking for another job but he's looking into telecommuting instead of actually moving, so I don't see how this affects me now as a towering, controlling person.

The other person I thought of was my mother, but she is not controlling in my life. She is controlling when I enter her turf, but it is her house. "You're under my roof, you obey my rules." Those rules are not out of line however. They are general rules that have been in the family as long as I remember. Don't talk about anything too serious or sad. Don't make anyone upset. Don't rock the boat. Mind your manners. But in my own house, I am myself.

My new midwife is going to be a problem since she is under so many rules with policy of VBAC's that her hands are tied, and so are mine. I feel as if I don't have many choices. I live in a small enough community that I only have three groups to choose from and all are very progressive in interventions during labor and all of them frown upon birthing at home (none of them allow it). If I'm in my own house, I have control of the labor. If I'm in the hospital, I'm under the rules of the hospital and their lawyers and become a litigation risk. My right to birth how I want to is very much in the fore front of my mind and I wonder if that is my "tree".

So, basically, I'm clueless as to what that person is. I even thought maybe it's me. All of my own thinking of who I should be and what I should become is controlling how I feel about myself. This is total self esteem issue that I have. I still feel that if I'm not back to what I was originally doing before PTSD, that I'm still short. Still not perfect, still not right, not up to par, etc. The word failure comes to mind, but I know that I'm not a failure, but it feels the same none of the less. I guess I'm not satisfied at what my accomplishments have been so far. It's no one's fault but my own.