• I think I chose to dive beneath the water because there’s not much, if anything, that I won’t dive head first into if it provides hope of renewal and/or healing. And, then of course, I must come up for air as the experience in itself can be over stimulating, almost like a shock to my system as I have not yet grown accustomed to familiarity and acceptance of self, the belief that I am worthy and trust in life‘s goodness. I have been self-sabotaging, martyring, rejecting and stamping-out self, more often than not throughout my life.-(shame), (believing my abusers lies as if these are my own).

Swimming across, well that is simply what I do. I’m a survivor and I’ll make it to the other side; I swim under any and all conditions. I don’t drown / give-up, and I won't if I can see even the slightest bit of hope that another side exists. And, even when I cannot, I may suffer much, but I’m going to survive for a long time just out of sheer instinct, principle and God given strength.

The midnight blue water I find very refreshing and sustaining. The area of water which is dark from a lack of lighting and almost black, is warmer, stiller and can be very frightening as danger lurks and anything might happen, at any moment from outside my control and I’ll be under attack and far less likely to survive. Now in fact, I can also envision these dark waters as harmless as there is no real abusers, in my life, violating me at the present and have not been for sometime. I still always anxiously await their sudden, cruel and vicsious surprise return. Much along the lines of what my step-dad use to say often to me, “When you least expect it, expect it!” ….then boom!

Schools of little fishy’s represent to me cluster of people and their conforming and pacifying one another, perhaps even bullshitting simply to go along, to get along. They mind their own business and are not a threat to me. The possibility and/or likelihood of other water dwellers individually existing and hidden from site, reflect to me that mix of people who may make sudden appearances at any time and scare the life out of you, but not harm you otherwise and those (jekyll's & hydes) or (threatening creatures) which are quite capable and surfacing and tearing me and others to shreds without a seconds thought. The anxiety in all this for me is who’s hiding where and when? Will they surface or not? And, will they attack or not?

Why I responded as I did on the speed of the current, I haven’t a clue.