It's been so damn long since I last posted.
Depression hit me hard... my nightmares 'cause me to feel as though I am leading a double life.
Often I came back, attempting to post...re-reading my thread... and every time I seemed to spiral deep into dissasociation.

(break to go play an online game or solitare or something... my minds spinning)


Ok, I've taken 2 hours to calm myself mentally enough to come back to this.


So my story left off when I was being wheeled past the Emergency Room waiting area.
The looks of the people waiting are burned in my mind.
Curiousity... pity... they all seemed to forget about their own pain for the moment... they wanted to see why there was so much blood, understand the chaos that had just flown into the hospital.
Closing my eyes was my only escape from the outside world... my head felt like it would explode... next thing I remember is vaguely acknowledging I was surrounded by Doctors and nurses in a small room.
I remember the pounding in my head... I was convinced my something inside my skull was swelling and would soon explode...
Death... what are you supposed to do or think when you think you are going to die???? I sure as hell didn't know... my brain couldn't process this...

I have always prided myself in my ability to remain calm in difficult situations, and to always treat people with courtesy.
Well, I am embarresed at the way I was acting in that room... which is silly because I was going through an enourmous amount of pain and suffering at the time.
I begged for the Doctor to 'put me out'... "PLEASE!!!!!" I pleaded "I can't deal with this situation anymore!!! Just please please! knock me out!!!!"
My requests fell on deaf ears... the docs wanted me to stay awake...

By this time my boyfriend had already called my mother and she was rushing to the hospital.
Pain medications must of been given to me at some point... because I wasn't crying when they were wheeling me to get X-Ray's done.
Everything is a blur, I cannot remember the trip to the X-Ray... but I remember when my mom walked in and saw me in the waiting area.

I was so happy to see her... (****... I'm crying now... the flashbacks and emotions are too overwhelming... this is too hard)
Her look of worry vanished when she saw me laying in the hospital bed... it was replaced with fear... she started crying even before she could get across the room to me.
The tears were silent, she tried her hardest to hide how much my appearence shocked her...
I had no idea what my nose looked like... but her reaction told me everything.
Somehow I felt like I needed to protect her from this... I couldn't protect myself... but I could protect the people around me.
So I tried my best to put on a brave face, a brave face with tears streaming down my cheeks.