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Originally Posted by anthony  Jim, do you despise your father for that request of his? |
Never thought about it quite in that way, but I am thoroughly disgusted with him. Even to this day. Suppose I do despise him. Always considered him weak. As a child I was embarrassed by his weakness.
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Originally Posted by anthony Do you feel pressured into maintaining a family that sometimes knowing you just can't control? For example, when Evie contacted you again and brought you back into her life, you tried to fix everything, yet discovered quickly that PTSD just doesn't work that way. |
Well. Not sure about pressured. Perhaps. Certainly I feel deflated this evening, as I failed miserably with Evie. Pushed her too hard again and drove her to hysterics. Still stubbornly trying to force her into getting better. I am a jackass.
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Now if your dad had PTSD, and more importantly, Eric had PTSD for all intensive purposes (which I belive he did from what I know of his health and behaviour), then how does this impact you? How much stress do you believe you burden as a result? Young age to be told to take charge of your family mate!
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Again, never thought about it in that way, but I do take on more than my share of stress. Worried about my mum, my younger siblings, and now I worry about my children. I drive them crazy I know, as they often tell me to quit worrying, quit trying to solve their problems, fight their battles and so on. Have tried to be more relaxed, but I often slip back into rescue mode. My being so young when my dad died is part of the problem I believe. I've been taking care of my family for so long that I don't know any other way to be.
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What do you really feel about Eric though Jim? Do you love him, even though what he has done, yet don't want others to judge you for loving him as a brother, even though he has shot and killed others? Do you outright despise him?
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Eric was my baby brother, 11 years my junior, so in some almost more like a son. I cared for him immensely. Wanted desperately to help him when he was on stress leave, tried my best. But I can't accept what he did. If he'd just killed himself, or even himself and Cheryl, I may have been able to accept that eventually. But to murder your own children, who you're supposed to love and protect above your own life, that I don't get. And never will. So while I do love Eric for who he was, I despise what he became and what he did to his children. And I don't feel sorry for him for having PTSD either, to be quite honest. Many people have PTSD and they don't murder their children.
Jim.