Okay I think (think being very relative here) I know why sexual intimacy is coming up continully.

Les keeps running through my head. It is like he was two people. He was a fun, kind, gentle, understanding, loving, and affectionate, person when I was with him. Then he went to jail. Then I discovered the manipulative, lying, selfish person. I just can't make the two men I know mesh up. I have moments where I remember when we were intimate and how much I trusted him, and then my brain flashes to what he was in jail for, and what I have been through (mulitple rapes) and it's like I can't process this. Then my brain goes over all the crappy relationships I've ever had (okay, well that would be all of them) and I wonder how do I fight so hard to stablize and straighten out my life, learn about myself and how to get and be healthy and still end up with Les? How does this happen? Why couldn't I see it? Then I just want to puke. The thought of attempting to let someone near me again, makes me want to puke. I can not trust myself when it comes to dating men. Simple. I just can't. I picked a monster last time and didn't even know it. Even my step-mom says she is having problems with the "two" people that Les is. So I guess this crap is flashing through my brain most of the time. I just can't seem to process it nor settle with it.

bec