Camry,

Thanks for the thoughts/advice. Well, she "says" she wants to work with me on all of this, especially the financial end (which threatens to pull us both down), but she hasn't seemed to be able to follow-through on her promises... We'll see.

I agree that I need to take a "tough love" approach, and am investigating about having her name removed from the deed to the house to at least protect myself/assets (her debt is in her name, but the house is in both of our names). Supposedly she is going to allow me to be her "banker," with control over how to budget her income so that she can regain (somehow) a semblance of control over her finances. I realized, however, that I can't keep pushing/reminding her to do this; either she follows through on her own, or she doesn't. I've done my part (more than my part, really), but it will be up to her to follow through.

She tells me that she returned to taking her anti-anxiety medication, which (hopefully is true) should help stabilize her emotionally.

What do you think I should do for the holidays?? Normally, we would all go to see family a couple of hours away (this is something we've always done, and both look forward to), but I don't think she wants to do this; yet I really don't think she should be isolated/alone during this period, either. Is it better to "push" her to have more contact with friends/family (which I would assume is also part of her recovery), or to let her decide on her own (which I fear would allow her to default to self-isolation)?? Should I even bring this up, or let her comment on what she wants/expects to do?

And yes, in answer to your question, the rape happened when she was 17 (and had just left home, because of problems with her family) and she is now 36. She hid it from me, though looking back it's pretty obvious how it was manifest in various ways. (She also suppressed it, in the sense that when it all came out it was triggered by a flashback.)

It's also important to understand that her rape was/is compounded by the fact that she grew up in a political/social environment in which torture, police brutality, militarization of society, and even natural disaster (a devastating earthquake, in which she helped pull bodies from the wreckage) all accumulated. In short, the lack of trust in governmental authorities (and authority as a protective institution, in general) is profound and systematic.