Jan. 20th, was my first day back from the my retreat. I found this mental imagery analysis early that evening. I was stunned and impressed with the result, read it many times over and that evening was able to make connections between statements you posted anthony and what's what in my life. I allowed my husb. to read the results as well, he did so with much interest and attention.

Even all these days later, I particularly remember that night bc it was highly unusual. In addition to something new to me, the analysis of my emot. state, I also allowed myself to listen to an audio record. of my hurt, anguish and rage that filled my emot. release work just the day prior. I was still somewhat stunned by the intensity of the retreat and when I had attempted to go to an AA meeting, I was curled up forward, feeling ill and exhausted and shaking badly enough I didn't stay.

Also that evening my husb. abruptly acted in a fit of anger toward me, for no good reason. I had asked him if I could rest my head upon his lap while lying across the couch and though he allowed this, he was no longer the least bit present and was agitated by my interruption of just another one of his required space-out times - TV. I layed there hurting and hoping he'd reach out in any way whatsover and be the least bit loving. Nothing! As if I wasn't even there. I became very conscious, of the connections I had mentally made from this analysis and they were penatrating every brain cell. Still Nothing, even though it was obvious I was very sad and hurting, he did not respond or acknowledge me at all, and this time I just couldn't deny anything anymore. I sat up, bent-over, curled up, cried and accidentally blurted out as if he were speaking. Some of my words, I recall: "Stay, away from me T, don't ever come near me, don't ever touch me. I don't want you near me. Don't bother me T" ...and other very revealing ideas became evident as I lost control in much grief. And, all which resulted in him seeing very clearly how hurt I was feeling from his yrs. of emot. and phys. shut-down from me.

This initially made him very, very angry and he jumped up, screamed at me and told me to fk' myself, and screamed some more. Now the interesting part of this is that I would normally react with anger and I didn't, I very naturally responded with vulnerability, sadness and hurt, and he wasn't prepared for this. He cont. screaming meanly at me and saw I wasn't angry, just hurt and wounded. Then, I saw him, and he now suddenly seemed completely off balance, having not received the response he expected.

My point in telling this is that night afterwards we ended up talking a great deal. I was able to be honest, open, even reveal secret feelings, even a secret between him and I that I never had before. And, one of these secrets directly related to me feeling rejected and betrayed, shut-off and shut down from my sexual self and controlled. My God, I'm 39 yrs. old! And, this has been going on for too long, now.

Anyhow, husb. gave me much needed attention, comforted me with hugs and later took the initiave to invite me to make love with him. Now this Never, Ever, Never, Ever happens, anymore........Listening without being annoyed, agitated and angry with me, hugs, intimacy, initiative, love-making. Wow!

Now though the frightening and hurtful scene in our livingroom preceded the good that followed and it may seem very unadvisable to accept so soon, and forgive his lack of understanding, and to trust him, I did. And, I'm glad, bc now for the last nearly 3 wks. we have both felt close again and have been more attentive to and respectful of one another. He's been very much more rational, reasonable and thoughtful of me and is once again sexually open (not shut-down / closed off) in our relationship. We are again enjoying one another's company, more sensitive of each others feelings and hopeful in our marriage and life together.

So yes, absolutely I did feel very unappreciated and depreciated and for sometime now. I need to be more vulnerable and more honest with him about what I'm really hurt or upset about and not be angry with him. Reminds me of the iceburg of emotions. If I'm hurt thats what I should feel, hurt....not instant anger....so on and so forth. And, I certainly hope he'll continue to and will be able and willing to be vulnerable and loving with me too, and eventually learn about misplaced anger.

And as far as my confusion and deep hurt of feelings of being unappreciated and depreciated it likely goes further.