I asked my husb. what EXACTLY is a support system and he says, it's the people who help you. Well, there is not a lot of close people in our life. My Aunt, F-I-L, and S-MIL, they can be very supportive just in the knowledge that they love us, each and every one of us in my family.

My husb.'s aunt (my God mother) most especially, she's very kind, gentle, loving and always thoughtful of us. She lives across the street from us and we have her over for dinner every week sometimes twice. She always tries to be loving to our kids. This is the way to my heart, ie. through lovingness and thoughtfulness of our children; she's very supportive this way.

Also, I have in the past told her I have PTSD, and recently felt comfortable enough to briefly make mention of some of the abuse. Also, we tend to open up and I've actively listened while she's discussed much about the family and her distress with me, and feels comfortable doing so. Any sadness I feel surrounding her has to do with my inability to be honest with her sometimes. I would never want to hurt her feelings. So some things go unsaid, and this may tend to build a block, or somewhat of a pretense surrounding some things and our relationship suffers as a whole.

FIL and S-MIL, are very religious people, communion every day and are always praying for us. Same thing with them. Some things my husb. and I would like to say, but simply don't want to hurt there feelings. An example is: Why when you call must you dominate the convers.?, and Why must it be so difficult to interrupt to end the convers. when need be? It comes down to we don't want to hurt there feelings, I guess we're afraid.

MIL has been supportive while we lived with her, but it was always at a heavy emot. price. She's available, to help out or converse with us, but not so to her grandchildren, not emot. anyhow. Has always bothered me. She seldom if ever visits, and I still hold a grudge that when our kids were just babies and went to visit their grammy she'd place chairs in front of the TV and turn it on and ignore them. I have difficulty trusting her motives or what she's capable of. Also, she tends to drop the family drama upon us, and it feels like an all too familiar effort to push our buttons' -get us upset.

Husb. and I are acquainted with a bunch of people. Our church speaks highly of my husb. singing talents and highly of our children.

I have perhaps one male friend, who I would probably talk to a bit if need be. I've avoided friendships with women, bc quite honestly I'm very scared of them. This all came to be sometime following a family group initiative, in which my sister beat me half to death and then later bragged about it to her friends. And, there stood my mother encouraging it all and only other sister witnessing it and doing absol. nothing. And the message afterwards was pretty much, "We straightened her a's (mine) out, didn't we." My husb. doesn't have any friends only acquaintances from work, ect.

I suppose I have had others offer to lend an ear, or help if they could, but I don't ask them for anything, bc I don't even believe they're sincere. Kinda' figure it's just polite for them to offer. So I've pushed away people and blocked most all suggestions for support. It just comes most natural for me not to believe that what others say, they really mean.

Suppose some people within AA could be considered part of a support system, but really I'm just barely now re-learning how to let anyone in, or ask for help, accept help when it's offered, or be honest about any real need for support; As I've failed so terribly in the my past in choosing trustworthy people. As I've said, I've stayed chiefly away from women as I'm afraid of them, and the men, most just want to help you into bed. I do now have a female sponsor whom I'll call once every 6-8 wks, but I keep getting hit with this fear that she's going to get jealous of any achievement on my part and end it all right there or worse, say something awful.

Often, as of late, whoever who has been sincere, and may have made themselves supportive to me or our family, I've distrusted or grew afraid of, rejecting them, but not seeing it for that at the time. I tend to foul much up through my dishonesty, symptoms of PTSD, behaviors like role-reversal and/or displaying my strengths, at the exclusion of my weaknesses, in such a way as to communicate: "I'm strong. I can handle this myself. I don't need you and/or I don't need anyone for that matter." A lot of BS of mine; It's just so hard to be vulnerable and get rejected yet another time, as it hurts like hell.

Despite all I've said, I am improving, but for the life of me I still can't figure out how we're expected to trust untrustworthy people, or ask for something you need, perhaps just an ear or a hug, when everyone surrounding you is distressed themselves, hurt and fearful, and has no emot. support or nothing to offer. What I've just now said, comes right out of my past and is just one example of how my brain is trained to deny and ignore much while focusing on certain things, thereby me creating my own difficulties and lack of a support system. Because, if one's there in place now, I suspect and fear it won't be for long, as I go about refusing to be brutally honest, sabotaging my relationsh. and support syst., making excuses, and/or burning it all down with an onslaught of my PTSD, it's symptoms and the denial of it all which all to often has followed.

Pride, what on earth are we suppose to do with it!