Mouse, lets be honest here, don't be too hard on yourself just yet ha! You have suffered an endless amount of shit in your childhood mouse, you are a victim, and here you are now pulling it all back up too deal with. Give yourself some serious credit for the work your doing on yourself. You really are quite inspirational mouse, especially to others looking in at you, the work you are doing, the progress you are making. Look at the positives, and use them to help you along through your journey.

Now, have you discussed intimacy with your husband? Because you are ready, and you say he doesn't want it, does he know you want to try? Does he know exactly what you want in regard to the beginning of getting back into intimacy? Does he know how he must help you to become more comfortable? He is not a mind reader, please remember this, and you will need to guide him the entire way until you are really comfortable. If sex has been taken out of your lives for some time, he will also be uncomfortable now, he will be embarrassed, he will be scared of whether he may hurt you emotionally. There is more to this than just you... and this takes much discussion, trial and error between you both. You must both participate though, not just one or the other, and a lot of talk from you both, a lot of reassurance from you both, so that each knows to continue.