Hello Everybody,

I decided since this is offered to go ahead and take advantage of being able to share some of my struggles with other folks with PTSD. I am thankful to have the freedom and technology to do this. I will say ahead of time, I've got alot of yuk in this brain of mine. If at anytime you get ta feeling overwhelmed at my junk, take good care of yourself and feel free to share your stuff with me too. Not that I'm a super or anything like that but I just think it'll be comforting to connect with other folks like myself.

Recently, I'll start there, I been having trouble because of spending alot more time with my mom. I love her so much but she can be so triggering. She completely denies that dad was sexually abusive to me and would probably keel over dead if she knew that I perceived her as having been verbally sexually abusive. She is a very devoted Christian and a real sweet lady but came from a life of sexual abuse herself and doesn't really understand those things called, "Appropriate Boundaries!" The following are some examples of how she used to say weird sexual things that really made me uncomfortable:

• When I was just a little kid my mom was talking to me about her second husband and his experiences in the Korean War. I would like to forget this but unfortunately can't. She told me that he told her that during the war when the guys were out cold and hungry alot of women got raped. She then told me that he said one time he saw these guys rape a lady then cut her breasts off and eat them. I'm really sorry to be so graphic but this sh*t really freakin haunts me!
• Mom always says that if she had known she would have done something to stop my half brother from molesting me and my little sister. But when I was 5 and tried to tell her she threatened to spank me and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. I don't know why this particular situation sits in my head so strong and I never forgot it but anyway, My bro told me that if I'd go upstairs and play nasty with him he'd take me to the pool. I feel some shame about this because even though I was a little tike I knew he meant NASTY and didn't really mind. When I got upstairs he had a little more in mind. He tied me up, gaged my mouth, blind folded me, took my undies off and began to try to fully rape me (I was 5). My other brother came just in time to stop him. I was blind folded so I'll never really know if my other brother had fun with me before the fight. All I remember is feeling a body part on my pri*ate area and warm yukky stuff falling on me. I hate this. I know it was then and this is know but everytime this stuff pops in my head and my body responds in ways in which I have no control I feel like a disgusting person. I hate my own body. It betrays me!!!!!!!!!! I love my dear husband with all my heart. He is my handsome best friend. I want to feel good about being with him but its like my body only wants to respond when something is disgusting or perverted. I am very blessed by God that this has not affected my love and physical affection toward my kids. It just causes me to feel mascocistis. Perhaps that is why I used to allow my first husband to hit me, pull my hair, and slam me down on things. I remember thinking on several occasions, please just finish your fun and kill me, choke me, beat my head in, do something! I want to die but don't have the guts to do it myself.

GOTTA go now. Can't do any more. This is harder than I ever thought it could be but I have to do it. I can't hold it in any more. If I do I'm surely going to fester!

LUV to ALL
Marilyn :eek: :crybaby: