I am struggling with keeping things in order for this journal. So...I am not going to sweat it. I am just going to write. I was very awkward in school growing up. I was different from the others, I was very introverted and shy and meek for lack of a better word. I was overweight and had a lazy eye and was picked on, bullied and abused by fellow students beginning in about the first grade. I was not even really like by the faculty, I could feel it. I had to see the school psychiatrist because of my endless nightmares and continued to see her until I moved from elementary school to Jr. High. There I did not have a Counselor, however the bullying became violent on many an occassion. They lit my coat on fire when I was walking home from school. They really targeted me, I think sometimes we have, "Victimize Me" written on our farheads. The kids were ruthless. I was also thrown down stairs on many occassions. I had no friends, I mean none at all. No one wanted to be seen with me, who wants to get their ass beat for being around me. So....I got it at home and then I got it at school.

Then I met Laura.....I ran into her during summer vacation from 9th grade, she was not exactly miss popularity in school, but she had alot more friends than I had. I ran into her in a school yard, not our school, we talked and she asked me why I dressed the way I do. I asked her what was wrong with how I dressed. Well to make a long story short, she actually helped me. She advised me how to dress to make myself less of a target. I would meet with her a few times a week and we would hang out. Then I figured when school started she would dump me, she didn't. However, I made a few friends and the picking on continued. I am in 10th grade now, and they are still vicious. This one gang of kids caught me walking home from Laura's house one afternoon and whipped me with bicycle inner tubes that were deflated. It was a horrible beating. So....I continued to let people smack me around, and pound on me, never raising a hand. All the while getting it at home from my Sister. Well, don't know exactly why it happened, but one day I snapped a bit. I was at school and this girl breached my locker and stole my sweater. I saw her wearing it and gloating. I in my normal passive fashion reported to the principal and he called her in, my mother in, and her mother in. When I stepped out of his office which was an office within an office, Mary was sitting waiting to go in and speak to them. She glared at me. I was scared. I walked into the hallway and it was already a buzz with how her gang was going to beat me down. Well, I figured if they are going to beat me down, I might as well fight back. Imagine that concept, never thought of that before. So....I went to the wall outside where her group (15-20) would hang out and smoke. I stood there by a pole within 10 feet of them and they seemed to stress for a moment. I think they thought I was trying to set them up. Well, that day was pivotal in my life, because I have never ever allowed anyone to lay hand on me again without a fight. I never realized when you have a belly full of hate just what a bad ass MoFo you can be. Violent OMG. However, these rules did not apply with my sister, sadly she still had a grip on me, but it was loosening. And Oh yes I had to see the School Psychiatrist and The school Counselor constantly, cause I lived in detention. I had structured study hall, I had before school detention, after school detention and they had no other way to give me detention. I am shocked they did not expel me, hell I never even got suspended, not once. I beat some ass in those 3 years of school, not one, not one a hole that hurt me went without a beating. They got me a bit too, but it did not matter anymore. I still have trouble with pain, I get mad, I don't feel Physical pain, that is until later.