I'd like to look at this now, in the present, and in relationsh. with my husb.

There is no doubt that he provides, in many ways great support for our family and I. I don't think he has a lazy bone in his body. Upon awakening at 5am, he's off to work caretaking for MR clients, in a home setting. He honors these people and cares for them, all day & 5 days a wk, as one would a child. He's gifted and skilled in his line of work and he far exceeds what is expected of him.

Upon arriving home he's lucky if he gets any time for himself prior to beginn. dinner. He cooks dinner every night now. He has and for quite sometime now, gone through most of the bedtime process with our children, teeth brushing, reading and saying goodnight every night he is home. On weekends he cooks a nice breakfast for us. On his days off he brings the kids to school and picks them up. Twice a week he brings my son to his karate class. He hasn't hesitated to run errands. He does much laundry, fixes everything around the house and takes care of the cars.

I've been noticing lately how my PTSD and slacking is disrupting our family. Have been wondering why am I not taking more responsib. In fact, I've been making myself unreliable and untrustworthy and then feeling resentful toward him for losing trust in me.

Besides the most obvious answers being that I do have some developm. issues, directly resulting from yrs. of untreated PTSD and it's secondary illnesses, ie. eating disorder (still to this day, though not the same form, or comparitable to prior days), .......and alcoholism (now almost 10yrs. since my last drink). Also, I live in a constant state of general. anxiety. And, I don't think 1 25mg. librium every few, but genrally several mo. apart is going to help relieve the anxiety any. Another words, help make me more functionable.

And without any medicine, it's as if I know two states: a driven, compulsive state of non-stop functioning which does not include eating meals and rest ........And, a state of lethargy, with it's mix of fantasy.

My goal is to gain control and discipline over my emotions and will, able to choose in the moment and not feeling like a hostage to my state of mind, unable to decide for myself. And, my goal is to regain the will to live, accepting my PTSD as permanent and it's symptoms as temporary. While armed with the real knowledge that PTSD is not a moral issue. Another words I don't have this devastating illness bc I am inherently bad, rotten, evil, deserving of this crap, or even that my family is deserving of it.

That in itself makes this feel very unacceptable to me and tragic, bc regardless of whether we may be good people, the traumas takes time to heal, and family hurt and sometimes will suffer as we heal. And, not necessarily from what we're doing, but perhaps from what we're not doing. So, my conviction is, that with PTSD, everyone surrounding the sufferer suffers, to some extent too. And, the more these people love us, the more they're going to suffer. PTSD just is, and I'm not bad bc I have it. (This is being said, bc I'm just now coming to believe it and need to get this truth through and into my own head.) Nor, is my husband, bad bc sometimes he is just plain f'n fed up with the burden of it, upon our family.

My husb. has his own problems and his could potentially or seriously threaten our family too. His problems are as legitimate as mine. Do I get fed up with his when he breaks out into a rash of ........., you bet I do. Am I being supportive of him when he's like this. Generally No! Do I have my reasoning too why his problems and needs make him an a'sshole in my eyes, at times, and mine don't make me anything of the sort. Absolutely ! and it's faulty.

I'm slowly, through much pain, learning a lot of humility in our marriage, and I certainly hope he does too.

Why do I expect my husband to listen to my vents and rants, my long winded stories of days past? Why? Well, perhaps bc I haven't felt the real need for, (pride) nor trust in a much needed therapist. And, why bc I don't take good supportive suggestions offered me and share my distress, persistently, a little at a time, with others who are willing to help. I always look for those that are unavailable or unwilling to help, and deny, while refusing to acknowledge that there are people right there in front of me willing and wanting to help. (current faulty belief system)

And, why might I suddenly get so f'n pissed off with him when he simply can't absorb all my talk? Simply bc, I'm expecting too much of him, being selfish and full of pride.

I (not him), have a lot of initiative and work ahead for me. This is primarily my responsib., to own my feelings, heal from my trauma(s), and learn to manage and cope with my PTSD. And, when I 'let go' and do this for real, in all its whole, that's when I'll see that his current great support,......and yes even some emot. support, is and has always been right here for me and with our family.

A simple realization for me tonight is that I did, now and then, reach points in my life where I desperately wanted someone to rescue me, to take care of me and provide for me, even to love me unconditionally as one might imagine or hope that a father would love their daughter........I've reached those points of fantasy before and it never happened, like I fantasized. And, here I am married, to a man that I truly love, pushing, now and again, and trying to with might, force my fantasy into our marriage. And, feeling frustrated and angry when it doesn't suit.