Physically feel awful. Mentally can't think for beans tonight. Got some awful news today. A letter came back from the insurance Co. of the blasting Co. that blasted beside our house last Dec. The letter reads that the blasting couldn't possibly have damaged our house. Now $10,000.+ dollars damage later, it's our loss. It's all complete BS, and I am afraid to talk, feel, comment on anything surrounding this, bc I'm trying once again to keep the cigg's down, and even thinking of this subject makes me feel real angry, and more anxious and irritable. I have nicotine in my body from the losenge and gum and yet, I still feel like I'm losing my f'n mind.

This is so scary for me. I've told myself I'm going to suffer it out no matter what, but now I'm really scared that I won't be able to, bc apparently I've been relying so heavily upon cigg's to treat and minimize PTSD symptoms over many yrs. Now I can't turn back to the alcohol, I can't turn back to the food, I'm scared sh'tless of the mental health system, I've spent all the money in the last few yrs. that I possible can spend for relief........there's nothing left, and I just can't think without that drug, keep up any pretense, and fear I won't be able to continue to heal as I have been.

Desperately need drugs :drugs: . Have been reading about pot, and wish there was bags of it lying around the house tonight. Even though I hated that sh't, as I must have always smoked the stuff that was laced or something, bc I always felt like I was tripping on it, always felt completely alone watching a surround sound film, and everyone else was real. Have never been much into drugs, but certainly loved alcohol at one time in my life, unfortunately that fond memory goes back about twenty + yrs. And, the binge drinking I did in my twenties, I didn't enjoy any of that.

Just feeling and knowing I've got mush for brains tonight. Yuck!