Yesterday my daughter told me she hates it in our home, she says all we do is fight. My husband and I always bickering over my PTSD, or me not 'feeling good'. My husband (Ubu) is right about not giving it our all.. I guy from 20 years ago is someone I've never forgotten, or gotten over. I recently found out that he's felt the same all these years. We were both unaware and afraid to talk to the other. So this of course added to the problems in my home.

My husband and I had problems before the '20 yr guy' came into the picture, our blended family issues, my depression and other symptoms of PTSD, his issues over his failed marriage, kids, church, work, and subsequently his drinking problem. Its become too much for me to handle, in addition to my own shit.

This thing with the '20 yr guy' may or may not ever happen.. but its an unresolved thing, I cant just turn it off. My Ubu is a wonderful man, and I've taken responsibility for my share of this situation and then some. I'm trying to keep everyone happy, & in the process, NOBODY is happy. My daughter wants to move out, (she's 13) I feel completely hollow, I have NO idea who I am anymore. I feel guilty for making my husband hurt & I feel like I'm helpless.

I guess I feel like leaving is the best answer. Letting my husband off the hook, not having to deal with me and my problems. Giving myself a chance to finally find out who I am. (20 yr guy) lives in another state and is not going to be part of the equation. I need to get over my feelings of hurt and bitterness about my employer's complete lack of acknowledgement of my work related issue. (I WAS a part of that family for almost 11 years) They shit on me, when I needed them the most.

I'm sorry that my husband is getting the brunt of this shit.. he doesnt deserve it. I'm doing the best I can - but I'm seriously at the end of my fkn rope.. he has no idea how desperately I mean this. I'm frantically treading water here.. and I'm NOT winning.