I just can't stand another moment of myself. Or can I? I can......bc quite frankly, I have no other choose, but to stand me. Could use a lobotomy right now. Only, if it was offered me, I'd be indecisive. Commitment, to things, goals, life,.....commitment with people, never did well with any of it bc I'm too ill. Too f'n ill, to keep on track. So discouraged with myself today. 4 days away from cigg, with use of losenge and gum and out of my mind. Not sure, even if this gets better, that I really want to face and feel it all. It's enormous. Everything feels enormous. Overwhelming and to much to ever, in this lifetime face. This f'n sucks. Grrrrr, am I so frustrated and mad with myself. Not that I've done anything at all wrong lately bc I haven't, that I know of. Just feeling useless, absol. useless, to often and too much lately.

And, where will I be, .....right here, doing the very best that I know how and can, and always dissatisfied with myself. What do I want to become a saint or well or something? And, anything short of it I'm a failure.

I'll be right here, getting more and more desperate, more and more motivated to finally say fk it all and let everything fall apart around me, and spill it all.

I only wish I could think straighter, clearer, so forth, to do so. I only wish this gnawing for relief, inside my guts and chest would pass. Self-pity who gives a sh't. It's not as if I can right this moment, do anything about it anyhow, self-pity or not.

Highly dissappointed in myself today, to say the least. Was on a roll, or so I thought. That bam........I will never so long as I live get use to the bam......

It sucks! Please, I already feel ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, lost and confused.......please, please, please forgive me for this rant.

*note: It's going to ache, gnaw, pain and suck beyond belief, before it get's better. My only hope is that when it does get better, it stays this way for sometime and doesn't hit quite so damn hard.

My new saying, and perhaps only pertinent to myself, 'Long term anguish for Hope, for passions, for life again, .....and a life with ptsd and a chance at ecstacy.' .........not the drug ecstacy either.........just some great joy, happiness and self-esteem in this lifetime to share.

......again, please excuse such a rant.


Hope