Dear Anthony,
I can not thank you enough for asking the questions you asked. The questions themselves sent a message to my mind that I am a worthwhile person. I am like a dog gone roller coaster emotionally. But for some reason the questions you asked made me feel like you do not think of me as a bad person. I know it is probably a bit neurotic to place so much value on what you think of me but I have great respect for you as a person for caring enough about other people to have this forum. It is helping me. I am learning as I go how to utilize the information and tools better. But the most important thing I have learned is that there are so many others just like me. They are caring, wonderful, precious people who are struggling and hurting just like me. It feels so good to be able to share my struggles with them then in turn provide support to them when they are hurting. I know later as the day goes by I will struggle. Just last night I was in Wal Mart and the guy behind me overtly insulted me for buying so many silk flowers and glass vases. I make flower arangements as a hobby and give them away to newly relocated women who are starting over because of domestic violence. I do not know why I allowed what the man said to hurt me so bad but I wanted to curl up in a ball and cower. However, initially when he first said what he said I wanted to punch his lights out. He said, "Think ya got enough stuff there lady. Its always fun to get in line behind people like you!" Then he looked at me like he wanted to spit on me. I feel very guilty because as I left the check out stand, he was buying 8 bottles of dish soap. He told the cashier he was a bar tender. Before I walked away I said, "Why don't you use some of that dish soap to wash the f*cking sh*t out of your brain old man!" I quickly walked away thinking to myself, Great job Marilyn, you just a mighty fine Christian now aren't you? I do not know why what he said hurt me so bad. After all, he was just a grouchy old stranger. I know you are not a believer, and I am Ok with that, but I also know you care about other people's feelings. I felt ashamed because I did not practice self control. I desire with all my heart to display the fruits of the Holy Spirit in my life which are (LOVE-JOY-PEACE-PATIENCE-KINDNESS-GOODNESS-FAITHFULLNESS-GENTLENESS-and SELF CONTROL). These are not religious principles they are healthy principles for living a meaningful and fullfilling life. But I am human, so I guess I should cut myself some slack! Well, I'll ramble more later.
Love & Care
Marilyn a fellow PTSD survivor