Well, certainly not there! I have to say something to this cry for help. I hope it helps you.

I had those thoughts before and more than once, but it was before I was diagnosed and had no clue what was happening to me. All I knew was it was getting worse and I seriously thought I would end up in a padded room some where. It was the hardest point and I almost lost my husband as he had no clue what was going on either, he just knew I wasn't the same woman. We both thought I had just gone insane and off the deep end some how. I did not even know I was at risk at losing him I was so blind. I lucked out and did not. He knew my past, I felt he should know as time went on, but we did not know that was doing this, basically we did not put 2 and 2 together. The doctors and therapist did.

I was treated by my GP and it calmed me a bit but things were not right still. After a year of blindly fighting/succombing to this condtion I got to the proper docs. I can't stand my shrink but DH thinks she has my best intrest at heart so through him dragging me to see her (bet you can see claw marks on my dooor way) and me cussing the whole way there for each visit until I finally just complied. I went on my own to find a threapist for CBT. I see them both. I am very pleased with my therapist and he hit the nail on the head telling me it sounds like two Alpha dogs in the room when my shrink and I meet. So we both want to be in charge of my threapy, she screwed my meds up bad that landed me in the hospital twice in four days from my first visit, honestly I am lucky she did not kill me. Then I realized I was horrified of dying even if at one point I thought it was a better option.

Through CBT I have made wonderfully big steps and some days I still feel like I am just dying inside.

My husband has gone above and beyond in helping me now we know what is wrong, he has to remind me how far I have come, when all I can think at times is how far I have to go and it is a nasty road to get there. On my really off days I am beating myself up he reminds me this is not a race to recover, I will ge there. But to take my time and don't push to hard. And on my good days when I feel like tossing my meds that I am tapering or I want to taper a larger dose off he is there once again reminding me it is not a race and pokes my prescribed dose at the prescibed taper down my throat, as withdrawals whip me if I cut too fast.

If you are not in some form of threapy I don't know how you can do it on your own, I am firmly set in CBT as it has done wonders at seeing things about me (flaws) that I could not before. We cannot "afford" threapy and the meds. We have made big cuts everywhere else and cashed out retirement. But my husband being the good man he is also pointed out we can't afford NOT to have me in it and treated properly! He had to go to his boss and tell him what I was diagnosed with as he has to take off of work to get me to appointments every week, he also had a 3 week leave to care for me when they changed my therapy. It cost him a promotion and we desperatly needed the money, but did not cost him his job. During that time he figured out he hates his job and is looking for a new one while still working.

I hope this note finds you feeling well and I hope you are in some sort of threapy at this point. I also hope that you find support here you can use.