I spoke with my mother again today. She asked me not to tell any of the other family mambers I was in the hospital. She explained that that wouldn't look good. I told her out strait forward that I am very different than her. I will not accept the past as a secret to hold and be ashamed of. I was victomized and will not continue to allow her to victimize me!!!! She can hold on to her own shame. I will tell all and feel all regardless of how bad it hurts. I refuse to feel sorry for myself!!!!!!! I am a tenacious survivor and I am strong. I have to say, I do not understand why I feel such a need to be accepted by my mother. It seems when I'm doing well and following her like a pup doing everything she says I'm her "Little White Dove". Well! To f**king bloody hell with that shit! I'm not a F**king DOVE! I'm no prey to be preyed upon any more. I'm an eagle. I'm free from being prey. I will fly! She will no longer hold me down!!!!!!! Yet I feel the bullets of her words penetrate my heart. I guess even the eagle is venerable to pain. That is the sacrifice of love.