Hay Evie,

I just started here a week ago or so. First I wish you well of course and I am happy to hear you're out of the hospital.
I wanted to comment on what you said here.
-I can control anger
I cannot control my anger either and for a few days last week I could stop the rage very quickly and withholding it a few times. I too found out that I could do it and control it if I have to. But it hurts, it ages in my intestines, it doesn’t feel very pleasant and it is very difficult to do. I really feel better at that precise moment to let it go. I does feel rewarding and satisfying somehow but only at the onset. It is almost as if the adrenalin is overflowing and by letting it happen it thereby raises the adrenalin level as a result, making it even worse. Damaging mind and body and everything en everybody within reach. And in the long run not making things any better for myself at all. The knowledge that I can control my anger has given me a little bit of hope. I wish that there was a combination possible: to have a fit and feel relieved afterwards and getting better by having a fit :-)
But now it feels I have a choice and that it is maybe possible in the future to express and feel emotions without loosing it.

When I got cancer I really got angry. I yelled at the trees (there was no one else available) why not you (the trees that is), why me. I already got everything to endure, I don't need to be tested anymore if I am strong enough to survive everything I know already that I am indestructible. We say here if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger. Well I didn't need to be stronger I was already superman. Why me, why me, why not somebody who is happy and has it all, give them my cancer so they have something to worry about for the first time in their life.
I got over it pretty soon because I didn't had much time to save my self. You know these cancers eat you alive if you don't watch it.
It's strange: first getting pissed why me, then the thought, well alright now I can finally die and put an end to it all, and then starting to act to save your miserable live.
Why? Is it a natural reflex to safe ones life? Is it survival instinct? Or has it to do with PTSD that we are too strong to give up as an option. I haven't come this far and survived everything not to have it end this way. Are we going on in the hope that one day the sun will shine again? Or is it that a psychiatrist says give it up you cannot do this and we want to prove them wrong not for them but for ourselves. Is it the challenge? Or is it the patronizing misplaced pity that pisses us of?
Anyway. Get well soon and I hope you will find out that you can achieve a lot more beside control your anger. Maybe it is the first step for us to become in charge of our lives again.