I had fear of people. It was not like "Oh, my god there are humans!". I was just getting very aroused. Tunnelvision, shakes, not hearing them ... well, i did hear them but i didn't understand them ... the words were like ever ... hello was hello, and i reacted with "hi!" ... but i didn't understand the words as speech. ... I wonder if someone who has not had these experiences will ever understand it.

I still feel disconnected to people, sometimes i just look at them, wondering ... just wondering. Nowadays i can enjoy icecream ... so somehow i'am getting back to them ... i mean icecream is totally stupid, but so is the whole life ... you get born and sometime you will die. There is no effort, only the gift we call lifetime.

I feel the urge to "push it". Nothing is enough, unless it is not totally enough. I have to explain this: i can have fun with breathing, it fills me with warmth and the world becomes brighter, sounds get sharper, louder, fuller, it is totally enough. But when i meet a girl in a club, i am not satisfied, chat, touch, kiss, go home, **** ... and then "whoops! what am i doing here?" ... just when there is nothing more to reach (i know there is actually more to reach than ****ing a person) i stop, look and loose interest. I have to go to the fullest, everything else bores me or is to complicated, to much work for no effort. Give me back my fight.

I feel disconnetcted and alien to these people ... but sometimes ... i feel touched by them, especially by children. And i want to give them, at least a smile.