Geez. Still frustrated. After hammering that stuff into this diary, i had to speak with a friend ... yes ... slowly i'am getting some friends together again. Afterward si went to a party. And well, at least 3 girls did smile to me, very obviously. Me didn't do nothing, did not feel ready or connected or something like that. I feel like missing something.

Somehow this is also a turnup for me. The most disgusting things might be shown, while i can smile while others would become desperate. The other times (when other have fun and socialize) i feel numb, well not like stunned, but just like nothing. Those things don't do anything with me, theres just a small, very small remembrance of something.

I guess i can't change me. Myself has to get out there by itself ... i just can't wait any longer. Looks like i have, too.


(Why am i only able to write this in english? Why not in my native tongue?)