Ok, i just called my mother and asked her this and that about the time when i was 4 and later. It seems that i got emotionally less accessible when i was 6, that is mostly normal ... but in my case it was heavier than with other children. When i was 4 and afterwards i painted pictures with flowers, a grave and myself. That's nothing special i guess, but it fits the picture i am slowly getting. Interestingly it was hard for me not to cry when my mother told me the story about the pictures. .. Ehm, yes i did supress again ^^ ... but now i get the picture. The problems at school, disinterest ... And i know that from that time there are still emotions.

You call it c-ptsd i call it my life, heh. The numbing ... all that really started there. And all that afterwards always cut the tree at the same height.

So if i want to get accustomed to my feelings i have to face this one ... i have to see that people could not understand me because i did shut down to bear the pain. Once it got better, but the wound was still open and the blowflies were gathering.

Heh, now i am not angry about all this.