Suffering and struggling a great deal today. My emotional state has taken a quick downward turn. My thinking though it's been positive and my attitude has been good through much facing and owning my past trauma's, feels self-destructive now.

I hold high standards for myself, even still standards of perfection. Perfection does not leave room for error or mistake. One of the ways I still, to this day, determine what is my error or mistake is through the eyes and perspective of others. Though I hold my own approach to things and convictions, I all too often abandon them to the approaches and/or limited and restricted vision of others. It's as though I suffer spells of feeling I have no rights to think and feel as I do.

So as has been said, despite much growth and progress, I suffer extremely low self-esteem at times, this day be one of them. This all comes in waves, and is rooted in my many fears.

One of the ways I've allowed myself to be abused in the past (my twenties) is by given away too much power and credit to the restricted, fearful, obsessive, untrusting, negative, "Me first", and egotistical voices of others. The best and simplified definition I hold of ego states: "I know what's best for you and for me, ha ha." I've never done well in collision with the ego's of others, bc I've often believed their 'point of knowledge' suffered a great deal of further insight. This has only proven itself true too, as time has passed, and only validated for me that most people, filled with assumptions and many ill-intentioned are less then helpful at times. With some they seem to make this a practice or art form.

So therefore, I have trusted very few people throughout my thirties, and it has paid off with huge benefits for me. Truly with huge benefits, bc up until then the folk that I found myself associating with, well they all thought they had instant knowledge of my motives, insight as to who I was as a person and had placed generally too high, but sometimes too low of expectations upon me. They all wanted me to live up to these in order to belong, and I never could, bc quite frankly they were never based in reality, but rather assumptions made of what my reality should be.

In the early part of my twenties, I with deliberate willingness walked into a homeless situation, and one that would last a long time, all in order to get away from the abuse and these passive-aggressive and aggressives, know 'it' all voices that would've liked to have buried me alive, with their insecurites. As, if I didn't already have enough of my own they'd dump their insult and hostilities upon me and all stemming from their fears, inadequacies, rivalries, jealousies, indifference and/or hatred. They never once sought to see if they could help, only had chosen to critisize and reject and expect me to walk away with more of their baggage. When I would truly assert myself, I was told time and again, that I was wrong in doing so and receive a threat of beating or that of being ostracized from the family, and/or beating. The scape-goating and ostracization occurred too and for far too long in my elem. yrs., and later teens.

I suppose my sisters expressed 'sense of accomplishment' after almost successfully beating me to death at 19 while some of my family stood still, circling around in approval, and other's actively engaged in it, cheering and ranting, "Good job" ....and my mother's words while 4" away from my face, "You f'kin deserve every bit of it," still haunt me to this day and motivate my decisions. And, this is likewise with being rejected and banished from the only family I ever knew and once loved deeply. Were they imperfect and IN NEED OF MUCH HELP? Absolutely! Did any of them ever identify this and attempt to do anything about it? None then and little whatsoever eversince, with the exception of one sister certainly suffering from PTSD. Was I going at it time and again trying to seek help, that I, A) often didn't know how or where to obtain and B) would only be told that we don't accept that insurance and sent away, Yes I was actively Always trying to seek help since as far back as I can remember. All with seeking and asking for help discouraged as taboo? Most definately bc then truth, hope and success would've been revealed, and family would have no part of this.

I didn't go into just how I surrendered to the will of others, and duped myself into believing throughout my twenties that I had little to no rights, nor could I think clearly enough to do so now.

Again, today I've crashed and have hit bottom with trusting anyone and even the will to go on. Logically I can't figure out why I should bother anymore.

I don't take daily prescription meds of any kind, however I do have a prescribed PRN for when absolutely needed, to prevent hospitalization. I've taken two of these today for the first time in perhaps months and I'm just as much insecure and ashamed of this, as anything else.

Today's emotional state is complicated to by a E,N & Throat infection that I've come down with, as well as many sudden pains throughout my body, which quite frankly frightens me with fears that I've cancer. If this were to be true then what better news to send back my families way, they love this kind of stuff.