Well, this is a big one that I have been working on for a year now. The suicidal thoughts and triggers. After my public meltdown and suicide attempt, ending up in an ambulance, hospital and then the psych-ward after that I was pretty much starting at square one. I would have horrible dreams of cutting off my own arms, very disturbing. So much self-hate and rage toward myself. I of course was hiding this from everyone including my therapist because I didn't want them to think I was nuts. Slowly those horrible nightmares and thoughts subsided as I talked about it with my therapist (Doug). Anyway, I still have had a problem with cutting when I get anxious and don't know what to do. In the last 2 months I have begun to use more effective coping skills such as being around people instead of isolating myself, taking a break, reading a book, just basically switching gears. So I haven't cut in 2 months now and I think this week I really honestly gave up the thought of suicide as an option. I realized that I have to face my past, my triggers, my inner hurt and rage and work on it, work hard on it to get better because I want to live here. That is HUGE!

Part of this came about because I just came back from a home building trip in Guatemala. We were in this little village where these people barely make it day to day and we were building homes for people that would never have one otherwise. When they explained what it meant to them, for us to come pay for and help build their homes for their families it was amazing. I totally think God spoke through them to me and said " you make a difference in this World, you are important". I felt that if they could have the strength to live everyday and be happy and open and loving I should certainly be able to as well. Truly amazing.