Thank you Anthony.

I am now working with a female counselor, and while she admits she has little knowledge of PTSD she is willing to learn. Sad part is the more she says she learns the more prone she is to tell me I don't have PTSD. That's ok. She's learning and will soon learn what it is.

It's an ironic funny, as I have been trying for over 11 years to become rehabilitated via state vocational rehabilitation programs. Doctors have prescribed medications for me in the past, ranging from depakote, risperidal, paxil and lithobid. There's other, but I don't recall their names. I find it ironic because in several instances other doctors have looked at the reports and they cannot understand WHY I was on these medications. I was diagnosed as bi-polar, but even I can tell I never was when I look at the standards for diagnosing it.


Now, I'm on no meds, though I am taking nutritional suppliments. That baffles me, there. I tried St. John's wort, and it was successful, as was chromium picolinate. But I found other nutrients that can level out my mental issues far better than any medication ever did, and for .0389 the price (yes I hit a calculator for that! lol!).

Anthony, I am so sick and tired of moving. I have relocated over 60 times in the past 20 years because of my PTSD and the inability of others to respect it/me. Worse of all is privacy. I have none. When people finally find the intimate details about my life that they wanted, they find themselves disgusted and take it out on me.

Right now all of my efforts to deal with my PTSD is on the back burner because of the criminal case I'm dealing with.

Anthony, reflecting back on how past traumatic experiences developed my persona to the point it is now, it terrifies me to think of what I'll become if I go to prison. I know that deep inside there is an animal that is fed up with being beaten and tortured and if that animal gets loose, as I feel prison will set it free, I can envision so much evil it is capable of.

That animal is my inner child. The same child that has just plain had it. The same child that only wants peace and wants healed. But that's also the same child that bears so many scars and has so much hatred within his life, that he becomes unable to control himself or more like willing to control himself. He just wants to lash out and make others hurt as he has been or feels he has been hurt.

Know what I mean?