I woke up this morning having horrible flashbacks. They were more of a physical nature in that I kept feeling my dad's hands on me. But then it got visual and I saw his face. All I could see was his face staring at me. My hubby said my eyes were open and they were red. He kept touching me gently and talking to me to wake me up. I thought he was daddy. I just started breathing real fast and my heart was pounding. I just knew it was him then somehow I came out of it. I do not feel anything but hurt deep inside right now. I think these are haunting me because someone else recenly that I tried to trust hurt me very deeply. I had just got to a place where I thought it was safe to tell what was inside me and I was violated, insulted, put down, and wounded. I do not know why it was and is so important for someone male other then my dear sweet hubby to listen to the yuk in my life and not freak and either avoid me or hurt me in some way. I do not think it will ever happen. It must be a shame I carry. I don't know. I just know that it hurts so bad right now. My mind does not want to let go of the insults. I am fighting negative self talk and the insults have only made it worse. I feel like I have been fed some kind of poison and he is watching me suffer in pain and just moking me. It feels like he has hate inside him and he wants to direct that hate towad me and damage me worse so that I will suffer inside. I wanted so bad to trust and for the shame to go away. I have to go. All I can do is try to redirect myself to those who love me. They must love me for some reason. My hubby and my kids tell me and show me daily they love me. There must be something to love. That is what I must tell myself.