I am doing alot better. I think sometimes the worse side of me comes out in my trauma journal. I tend to write the most negative stuff so that I can later go back when I'm not so emotional and process things in a more reasonable way. Someone told me recently that my way of doing things is all wrong and that love does not cure anything, but I disagree. If one is absent of self love and love for others there is no reason to heal. Why heal if everything is either apathy or hate. A really good book I read regularly defines love as (patient, kind, without envy, without boasting, without pride, without rudeness, not self seeking, not easily angered, keeping no record of wrongs, not delighting in evil, but rejoicing in truth, always protecting, always hoping, and always perserving, and never failing). I think love sounds pretty healing. Love is what I cling to when all else seems to be chaos. Love brings me hope. Its not mystic or abstract its just plain simple love.

These past couple of weeks have been very difficult for me because I have had to face some really bad trauma that occured when I was a child. It involved my father. I will never know what really happened, nor do I need to know but in my memory he was either trying to drown me to death and someone rescued me or he was trying to frighten the bageba's out of me making me think he was going to kill me by sticking my head beneath the bath water and holding it there. All I remember after that is waking up on my bed in my PJ's thinking my brother was an angel.

My husband has really helped me through this because he has been there when my flash backs occured. Even though there was a couple of times I was thrshing about so much I smacked him he patiently waited me through it trying to bring me back to reality. I am hoping since this memory has come to the forefront of my mind that it will no longer parade itself as reality during my sleep. I don't really have any negative feelings for my father as its hard to really have any feelings for someone who is dead. I forgive him but I do not excuse his behavior as it was deplorable and evil.
Marilyn