Thanks Lisa,I really get the part about being being disloyal to the one thing that always helped. I think the thing that helped in this situation was just was "Jack" was saying above, I didn't want this person at work to be the one to take me down. Those thoughts of ultimate suicide are getting smaller and smaller by the minute since I made my commitment to live. They only last a couple of minutes versus hours or days, so that makes me feel really good. The self harm stuff comes up sometimes, when things go bad of course, but at least it isn't showing up everyday, for awhile it was an everyday fight. When things get out of control, I still pick up sharp objects but like the other day, I pushed it into the desk instead of my body, that took alot of will power. Do I think that if I was in a total state of distress that I would be able to have that power? I don't know, I came really close to taking a pair of sissors that day and stabbing myself in the stomach, only to turn to the desk at the last moment. I have to be strong and vigilant with myself when I get those feelings, it is such a struggle, but nice to know I am not alone.