Some how I I do relate to CQ's post, I used to take down registration plate and taxi driver’s name too (as they are clearly shown on the front screen and sides screen of each taxi here) and send a sms to my hubby whenever I had to board one home late at night after work. Usually I’ll prefer the MRT or the bus than a taxi when it’s dark.

I can see this relative to my security level. I do feel safe enough to board a taxi during the day, when there are many activities in the streets and many cars around. But then it is a very different situation after sunset, my body is more alarm and sensitive towards the quiet and dim streets. Even if it is a brightly lit up street, I am still pretty insecure if I am alone and worst if there is another one or two strangers nearby. My secure system is much depleted and shattered.

I have had always feeling insecure traveling alone at night be it walking on a street or in a taxi. Being with a stranger at night (eg the taxi driver) is a very worrying thing to me. But I could comprehend it pretty well before my ptsd became full bloom. For years, though I was feeling insecure, and alert but was feeling ok to board one. I truly understand then that it’s a part of my life that I have to get use to, to my new redefined boundaries after my trauma. And I have to learn and accept that not every stranger is a bad guy. It was hard but some how I managed to scrap through many years.

I didn't know that being constantly subconsciouly insecure could cause me this, which happen gradually over 2 years, I began to react much differently and my secure system was going down side pretty fast than I realized. It’s also eating up my confident. It all happened without me truly aware of it. I took up more and more precaution whenever I was feeling more insecure. I wanted more locks on the doors and was constantly checking on them before going to bed. And I had crazy idea of jumping out of the taxi in case of emergency and I started to take down their registration plate and driver’s name, also getting hold onto my handphone all the time, in case I needed to call for help. Then at its peak,I found leaving the house a difficult task to do and whenever I came home, I searched the entire house for any break-in, or anyone still hiding inside my home. I dreaded going to bed and became very restless towards bed time. I did light up the whole house, etc… I will do whatever to make myself feeling more secure and comfortable. But each nightmare and flashbacks continued to deplete my secure system more, and I was feeling like back to the trauma day again.

At that moment, I was totally lost; I was pretty confused and couldn’t understand my own behavior. Why am I such a coward and where have all my confident gone? I was behaving very differently from the old me. Hubby was unhappy with the change in me, seeing the lazy and irresponsible me. I was not lazy and I did not want to explain to hubby that I couldn’t handle much of the old tasks anymore. I fear to even make a phone call or to talk to any strangers. I just fear. There is so much fear in me. And at the same time, I was angry at myself being such a useless person and not functioning and living life like the old me anymore. I lost interest and avoided my friends and ex-colleagues. I prefered to stay in bed doing nothing most of the time then or maybe I was truly lost in life at that time.

Not until I found this forum, and realized that I am not alone. And it was here where I starting to understand what is this thing called ptsd, myself and trauma better. Sorry that I have been hiding a lot in my private diary, and communicating only with Anthony. I am very new to this ptsd and pretty afraid to comment on other postings. Even writing in my private diary, is a huge step for me to be able to trust and be comfortable in writing about my feelings and thoughts. Sincerely thanks to Anthony again that I have achieved quite a lot within this forum (even without any counselor in my life) instead just a very sincere friend I have found in Anthony, I am able to open up and deal with my trauma, stop blaming myself and learning to live life again. Each time, I have doubts in myself, I'll just read Anthony's comments again and again until I could accept the truth and reality once again. Frankly speaking, I had read my trauma again and again more than 1000x now. I still remembered that I used to sit in front of my pc and read that particular post for a continuous 8 -10 hours again and again,that day and the following days.I did not know why I do it repeatedly but I continued to read it everyday until I was bored about it.

I truly become much better after pulling apart my trauma and as a result, I have months of sleep without nightmares and am feeling much secure to sleep alone while my partner away for business trip. It was not an easy path, in fact I became so worst and there were many times I wanted to quit even though I am a pretty stubborn person with strong determination and never like to leave task unfinished, still I wanted to quit, not once but many time as I couldn’t really bear with the raw pain all over me again. I had my days of crying and sitting in the pity hole, self-pitying and etc. But each time of enough crying, I just pushed myself back on track to continue. I wanted to heal and I have strong believe in what I was doing, pulling my trauma apart with Anthony’s help. At times, he was triggering me so much; I hated him a lot for causing me tremendous pain. Still after each hurdle, I felt great for every little achievement and deep down I thanked him for pushing me hard.

My progress; I was busy pulling apart my trauma in the first 5 months, then following 3 months of trying here and there on how to getting back to normal daily life, relearning every little task. And slowly, I could feel that I am returning to the stronger me, gaining some of my confident and faith, to venture back into real life again, feeling much secure again. Basically, I have to re-learn a lot of things in life, I learned how to push myself out of the bed, out of the house and onto some little routine. I still have a long way to go, and am still learning like all of you. It’s just that I have more of my days me controlling life than ptsd controlling me now or the self-pity thing.

AS I went along, there are still many confusion and thoughts that I couldn’t understand. The worst part is that I do not know what is making me so confused at time. Then somehow, I started to read this book 2 weeks ago, "I can’t get over it", a handbook for Trauma Survivors by Aphrodite Mataskis. Basically it clears a lot of my doubts and confusion and I have a clearer picture of myself, my reactions and my triggers now. And it helps me putting my pieces of puzzle together for a better and clearer understanding. For me, I truly need to understand my new self in order to proceed with this continuous healing.

I still have many hiccups but am much ready to deal with them. I just need to overcome them to be a better me. I just have to accept this is the new me now, and many hiccups awaiting me along the way. IT's not an impossible path but not an easy one either. Just be prepared and well equipped with extra knowledge. Also one gets smarter along the way. It all depends on how much one wants to get better. I truly want to get my life back and I absolutely believe that "If there is a will, there is a way."