I can say yes to the first item you listed. There were times in the past, in the first years after everything happened, where I sat outside and had that same kind of feeling. I would think about everything that had happened, and that would be absolutely isolated. I would later think about the effect it had had on me, and that would be completely isolated too. Most of the time anyway. There were rare instances when those two series of thoughts would combine, and in that form it was too much to bear. I felt that all that existed was pain, all was suffering, and that there would never be any relief from it. That completely overwhelmed me, but somehow after fairly long amounts of time I would go back to that first point I connected those thoughts and sever it again. At least, until the next time I sat down to rest. I thought that this entire thing was too much for anyone to know, too much to let anyone have any idea I knew either. That I understood the reality of what had happened, and was convinced that it was futile to try anything to communicate about it. It just was but had to be kept in the dark and away from others like some terrible and forbidden thing.

I can claim the second partially, a little in the past anyway. Sometimes when I would start to really lose attachment to external reality I went along with it even when I recognized it. I convinced myself it was only the proper thing to do to catalog all of the mistakes, and little errors I had made in the past and to rebuke myself for them without any mercy. Of course that only caused me to feel worse and knowing that I pressed into it more and more.

Now, it is like something has switched and these things very rarely go as far either way. The passage of time and continuous analysis and perhaps a bit of excessive harshness has brought me to this new point. I do not suggest being harsh as that was the worst way to go but thinking about it what that did to me was let me refuse to ever stop the self analysis and the key in that was that I stopped letting things build up and instead tried to defuse them. This way everything is bearable, or somehow after time it is more bearable. Now I can rest and actually have some real peace.