Hi
I'm guilty of self sabotage, it's sub-conscious. I've suffered panic attacks since I was in single digits and would beg my parents to tell me funny stories.
Now, out of nowhere, in the back of my brain will say saomething like"You know you're going to panic, and every move you make from here will increase the severity of the attack", because the "voice" in my head knew I'd be moving to prevent it. I start to lose touch with reality and everything in my vision begins to look too real, my skin burns, I get pins and needles under my skin, all If I'm not able to "flip the script" when it all starts. Sometimes I'll be walking from the bedroom to the couch and just feel like collapsing in the middle of the room (this is what I do with life, couch bed, bed couch), feeling deflated and just finished with it all.
I know you don't want to go there into the details, and believe me, I get it. What you did share I appreciate, and can say that all of the sexual contact I've had in my teens, and during a separation with my husband, that I'm having huge problems now trying to figure out what the point of sex is beside procreation. I get out of control angry about it. I can't figure it out.
I think the retreat would be terrific for you! It will remove you from your surroundings for a bit, and help get you out of this frame of mind, perhaps. Being around people has helped me in the past (as long as they are positive people in a positive surrounding), as well as getting me out of my rut.

I hope you feel better soon! Also, for sleep, try playing your favorite comedy to go to sleep to. I have a DVD in the bedroom ad choose different movies to go to sleep to, and have them played on a loop all night. I may not get the best sleep, but it keeps my mind from flirting with the dark stuff.

I hope I could be of some help. Take care!